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  #21  
Unread 07-30-2021, 01:55 PM
John Isbell John Isbell is offline
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Hi Fliss,

SCratchy flies is fine, but I preferred the laddish Ys for my part, and in general, I have slight qualms or misgivings to the effect that you may have smoothed out some of the charm of the original - Y-fronts and dirty socks being protested by a tired machine - in favor of a new smoothness and sophistication. Thus, I quite liked the old opening line or two, which are of course now gone.
I am possibly saying this just to be contrary, but I think mostly that when we edit our first thoughts off the page, we should for sure keep the original filed away for reference. I just restored three words to three poems I've sat on for at least several months unrevised, just to see at a blow that the original wording was better.
Having said that, i trust you to see what works best here, and I'm also possibly alone in my opinion, so there's that.

That's about it! Still a fan,
John
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  #22  
Unread 07-31-2021, 11:35 AM
Mary McLean Mary McLean is offline
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Hi Fliss,
I like this a lot. The only bit that pulled me up was 'my drum has suffered through your tries'. It seems rhyme-driven, whereas the rest of the poem flows more naturally.
I dread to think what my washing machine would say about me.
Cheers,
Mary
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  #23  
Unread 07-31-2021, 12:30 PM
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Ann Drysdale Ann Drysdale is offline
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What about going back to the y-fronts, as it were...

You can't stop messing, can you? Boxers, shirts
and, worst of all, that kinky underwear;
and I could catalogue a thousand hurts
my drum has suffered through your lack of care.

(just channelling my inner front-loader)
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  #24  
Unread 07-31-2021, 01:18 PM
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F.F. Teague F.F. Teague is offline
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John, welcome back. Well, I changed the Ys because there were concerns about the meaning; and then I began to remember my poem about Ys Bay, in France, and it all became rather odd. So I'm not sure what to do.

I keep everything in Word, copying and pasting responses and filing things :-] (geek). Thanks for continuing to enjoy the poem :-)

- - -
Hi Mary; thanks for liking. Yes, a few people are finding that line a bit weak, I suppose. I've tried to explain it, but with no success to date. Perhaps it's sort of overly vivid in my mind, the chap going about his overloading. He'd cram in as much stuff as possible and use both his palms to press it in until he could close the door. Fortunately I treat my machine well (it's only little, so I have to!), otherwise I, too, would have the dread. Thanks for your comment :-)

- - -
Thanks, Ann! I'll try that now. Always good to channel, I find :-)


Best wishes,
Fliss
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  #25  
Unread 07-31-2021, 02:03 PM
John Isbell John Isbell is offline
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Hi Fliss,

I find Ann's suggestion interesting and a neat way to get the tighty-whities back in. I did like to see them crop up in the canon of poetry, as well they might. And I do like Ann's word kinky there, with its multivalence!

Cheers,
John
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  #26  
Unread 07-31-2021, 04:42 PM
MJ Starling MJ Starling is offline
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I love the new revision.
MJ

Last edited by MJ Starling; 08-01-2021 at 09:52 AM.
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  #27  
Unread 08-01-2021, 11:01 AM
Coleman Glenn Coleman Glenn is offline
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Hi Fliss,

I like the revision. Just two nits:

First, I think L2 works better for the tone of it has “is” in it; “its hinge already breaking, flailing loose” loses some of the direct conversational accusatory tone of “this hinge is worn and even warped with use.” Maybe you could keep the general sense of your revision but change the syntax so it’s more like the earlier version, e.g., “its hinge is almost gone it’s got so loose” (if the Bosch has less than perfect grammar).

Second, in S3L4, I have a hard time picturing how a washer could “stomp.” “Thump” might carry a lot of the same feeling in a way that’s easier to imagine.
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  #28  
Unread 08-01-2021, 12:55 PM
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F.F. Teague F.F. Teague is offline
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Thanks, John; yes, 'kinky' is a good word here. In my head, the Ys are rather transformed! And I can't stop laughing about 'Ys Bay', I'm afraid.

- - -
Thanks, MJ. I saw your unedited comment, by the way, and thought it most amusing. Kinky underwear flying all over the 'sphere! Teddy Robinson dodges as best he can :-)

- - -
Hello again, Coleman; and thanks for your nits! I'll think about your suggestion for L2. Well, that's a shame you can't picture the stomping washing machine. I can only assume you haven't had an experience like Jayne's, lol. There are fairly strong elements of nonsense here, I recognise, such that some readers might even need to change their way of imagining <(:-)


Best wishes,
Fliss
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  #29  
Unread 08-01-2021, 05:25 PM
Mark McDonnell Mark McDonnell is offline
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Hey Fliss,

Do you remember "The Young Ones"? How the toilet used to come alive and rebel against the students’ general lack of hygiene? And I’m sure the washing machine did as well. This reminded me of that. I like the liveliness and verve of the writing here but I do have questions about the consistency of the washing machine’s complaints. I know this sounds like silly nit-picking in a poem about an angry washing machine but here goes…

In the first quatrain the machine seems to be specifically complaining about the amount of laundry that is being put in. This makes sense to me as a complaint from an anthropomorphised washing machine. But then in the second quatrain it seems to be complaining more about the particular types of items that are being loaded in: “You can't stop messing, can you? Boxers, shirts / and, worst of all, that kinky underwear”. This doesn’t make as much sense to me, even at the level of sentient washing machines. Why would it care?

Still, “kiss my filter drain” is almost worth the price of admission.
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  #30  
Unread 08-02-2021, 01:29 PM
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F.F. Teague F.F. Teague is offline
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Hello Mark,

Well, I remember my bros watching The Young Ones, but I wasn't allowed; I had to leave the room as soon as it came on. I wasn't allowed to watch Bottom either, lol. That sounds like a great toilet!

Re. the nit, what we have here is a catalogue of grievances, in effect. If I had more room, Great Queen Bosch would sound off about bad button-pushing, dial-rotating, tray-cramming, door-closing techniques as well. GQB resents the messy laundry here as it makes for even more stuff being rammed into her. So there is a sense, which one could term non-sense, nonsense, and all is well.

I'm particularly pleased with the final line <(:-)

Best wishes,
Fliss

PS: I look forward to the end of your blockage.
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