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  #11  
Unread 07-28-2021, 06:32 PM
Susan McLean Susan McLean is offline
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Fliss, I think it is fun. You could try something like "and spin your clothes with an appalling roar" if you want to get the article in there, in order to sound more natural. Like Jayne, I think "You can't stop messing, can you?" would make more sense. In L11, "till all that's left are tiny bits of fluff" sounds more correct in terms of grammar, though you may prefer to sound idiomatic, since those kinds of small inconsistencies are typical of spoken English.

Susan
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  #12  
Unread 07-28-2021, 08:13 PM
Simon Hunt Simon Hunt is offline
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Fliss: I have read this with enjoyment several times and have only a few quibbles, mostly mentioned by others.

Oi, not oy, for this speaker.

I'm English enough to figure out that you meant Y-fronts, not a phrase I hear much in the US. But does anybody say just Ys?

How about "You just keep messing, don't you?"

Great finish!
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  #13  
Unread 07-29-2021, 05:26 AM
W T Clark W T Clark is offline
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I like this. You envisioned energy into the inanimate and that's always appealing. (Out of curiosity what does f-to-female mean in the thread (not the real) title?) Isn't there a more interesting and appropriate term to the vocalisations of a washing machine than "shout"? I agree that "terrifying roar" sounds metrically driven, you might be trying to change the tone to a grandiose pitch with the nicely rebellious volta at l9, but "terrifying roar" seems the only obvious evidence of that rise in pitch and for that reason it jars. What about "as Great Queen Bosch: you'll kiss my filter drain!" to keep the kissing within the fantasy or the prediction.
Another good example of your whimsy and your technique.

Hope this helps.
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  #14  
Unread 07-29-2021, 03:02 PM
Coleman Glenn Coleman Glenn is offline
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Fliss,

Ditto to what everyone else has said - this is lots of fun. For “terrifying roar,” I wouldn’t mind the slight metrical irregularity of simply slipping “a” in there; otherwise, Susan’s “appalling” suggestion is good; or “and spin your laundry with an awful roar.” Since “Y’s” and “tries” both seem to be sticking points, I wonder about another word and rhyme (pants, shorts, drawers? I think “drawers” is funniest; I’d offer a rhyme but I think that’s one where the American rhymes and the British rhymes are totally different). You can buy yourself a little more room to work in the “tries” line by getting rid of “or more” from the beginning of it. The one other nit for me is that “D’oh” feels unnecessary after “Oy” - I’d prefer “It’s too much stuff.” Those are all minor points, though — overall, very clever and fun.
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  #15  
Unread 07-29-2021, 03:40 PM
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F.F. Teague F.F. Teague is offline
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John, that is a possibility, lol. Thanks for those details about your book; I'll take a look 8-)

- - -
Thanks, Matt; yes, that could be tricky, lol.

- - -
Jayne, welcome; well, you are delightful too :-)

I am most certainly on board with 'Oi!' and I've incorporated 'loose'.

Yes, 'You can't keep messing' should have been 'You can't stop messing' there. I'm not sure what happened, tbh!

I've thought about the roar and the fluffy bits too :-)

Jayne, washing machines can be terrifying and I was hoping to bring this out. They do stomp, it's true!

Thanks for enjoying the poem :-)

- - -
Susan, thanks for taking a look at this one. I like 'an appalling', also 'a frightening' or 'a violent', which has required a couple of changes to the line; hopefully it's okay. Yes to 'stop' and I'll see how 'are' feels; thank you!

- - -
Simon, glad you enjoyed this one. Yes to 'Oi'; not so sure about 'Ys', so I've changed that. I think I prefer 'stop', but thanks for that thought; definitely a valid alternative. And thanks for enjoying the finish, my favourite bit of the poem :-)

- - -
Thanks, Cameron. Did you mean to ask about 'F-to-machine'? That's a twist on Sarah-Jane's 'M-to-F' on the fresh thread. M = male; F = female. Here F has turned into a machine. It's a pleasant coincidence that my name begins with 'F'. Yes, I am thinking about 'terrifying', although I like it myself. I think 'you'll kiss' is a bit soft compared with the command I have at present. This machine is well 'ard, lol.

- - -
Thanks, Coleman! I'm coming and doing with the roaring at the mo; I've made a change but it could be changed again. I've also removed the Ys, substituting something that connects with 'tries', hopefully. And I like your suggestion for the stuff bit, so that's in too. Thanks for enjoying the poem :-)


Version 2 is up now; thanks everyone. I have to rush back to work right this minute (yikes), but I'll do my reciprocal commenting asap.

Best wishes,
Fliss
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  #16  
Unread 07-30-2021, 03:03 AM
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F.F. Teague F.F. Teague is offline
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Just a couple more changes made to the first two lines. 'Now get back to work, FT!' Yes, W.-B. 'Thank-coo' :>)
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  #17  
Unread 07-30-2021, 08:48 AM
MJ Starling MJ Starling is offline
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The Bosch appliances that Iíve seen in the US are pretty high end - her ascension to royalty is not a problem for me. Actually itís more of a transition from white to red queen. 🙃

MJ
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  #18  
Unread 07-30-2021, 09:51 AM
Joe Crocker Joe Crocker is offline
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Hi Fliss
Very much liking latest version.
One thought S2L4 "through your tries" sounds a little unnatural. How about, enjambing (? verb) to the the next stanza as a threat from Queen Bosch

oh I could catalogue a thousand hurts,
or more, my drum has suffered. Otherwise

y
ou know, some day I might just shout, "ENOUGH!
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  #19  
Unread 07-30-2021, 01:13 PM
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Jayne Osborn Jayne Osborn is offline
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Hi Fliss,
The revisions are good. I'm glad you could use 'loose' and 'stop messing'.

How about changing 'start' to 'stomp', as well, as you quite liked it? It's just a more fun word, and your poem is definitely fun!

Jayne

PS. I really like Joe's suggestion. 'Tries' is the one word in the whole poem that doesn't work too well.
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  #20  
Unread 07-30-2021, 01:23 PM
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F.F. Teague F.F. Teague is offline
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MJ, welcome and many thanks for your comment. I'm glad you're cool with the ascension of the Bosch and I like white to red in that context :-)

- - -
Thanks, Joe! With 'tries', it's about the eejit trying to fit in as many of his clothes as possible; and I added the 'scratchy flies' as an example of how the drum has suffered. Does that make sense? Thanks for stopping by :-)

- - -
Jayne, welcome back! Thanks for your help with the revisions. I like 'stomp', so that's in. As I mention to Joe, with 'tries', it's about the eejit trying to fit in as many of his clothes as possible; and I added the 'scratchy flies' as an example of how the drum has suffered. Thanks for enjoying the fun <(:-)


However, if people aren't really getting 'tries', I could substitute 'for you guys', providing the impression that the machine is going to triumph over an entire group of lads, lol.


Best wishes,
Flisch
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