Eratosphere Forums - Metrical Poetry, Free Verse, Fiction, Art, Critique, Discussions Able Muse - a review of poetry, prose and art

Forum Left Top

Notices

Reply
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #11  
Unread 06-11-2021, 01:14 PM
David Callin David Callin is online now
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Ellan Vannin
Posts: 2,364
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Matt Q View Post
I was a bit worried about putting a Japanese pun in a poem, so I'm glad that's not been overly troubling.
I have to say it troubled me - whether overly or not, I couldn't say. Fortunately I had others' responses to help me out there, but all the same ... it is a bit of an ask, I think.

Oddly enough, I have only just learned - in the last half hour, from an episode of Pointless - that sakura = cherry blossom. They did not mention horse flesh, though.

And "On blight" is puzzling me as an opening remark.

But this ... "Of all the gifts, waiting is one too often given, / at least to me" I found extremely poignant. I liked the spring lines too, and the circularity of the form.

Sorry to hear you've been ill. Hope you're feeling better now.

Cheers

David
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Unread 06-13-2021, 11:43 AM
Mary Meriam's Avatar
Mary Meriam Mary Meriam is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: usa
Posts: 7,589
Default

Hi Matt, I agree with the others: brilliant, accomplished, excellent. Also, I love it. When I first read it, I was lost, but in a good way. I didn't know sakura, but once I knew, I wasn't lost anymore. I actually kind of missed that feeling. It's a feeling of knowing I've been presented with something to learn, which is exciting. Reading and re-reading your poems is always a pleasurable adventure. If I could find anything to crit, I would, but I can only find things to praise.
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Unread 06-13-2021, 01:22 PM
Matt Q Matt Q is online now
Member
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: England, UK
Posts: 4,111
Default

John, John, Andrew, Woody, David, and Mary

Thanks everyone for reading and commenting. Still no revisions -- this one may have to sit for a while before I change things -- but all your points are useful.

John R,

I'll give some thought to opening out the ending. I do think it's ambiguous as to whether the waiting blossoms (upbeat ending) or the blossoms are waiting (downbeat/circular ending), but it's certainly very tidy, in that with all the various strands are woven together. Maybe that would benefit from being loosened.

John I,

With "on blight", I just mean: "on the subject of blight". Originally I was responding to another poem which wrote of blight. That essentially want I want to say: on the subject of blight, this is what's happening to me, this my experience of blight -- the fox-like frost and its impact on the blossom. Out of context I'd agree it's a bit blunt and it's useful to know that it doesn't make sense to you. Maybe "regarding blight:" would make for a better opening? Or even "And blight?"

On the close: if I change last word to "the waiting blossom" I'd lose the reading that waiting eventually blossoms -- the hopeful reading of the close.BANNED POST

Andrew,

Thanks for coming back and elaborating. My intention here isn't coming across, which is useful to know. Yes, we don't (always) choose when we die (physically, spiritually or otherwise), but we do vary in our attitudes toward it. I imagine that the fattened horses being led to abattoir pull back once they know what is happening -- that they are averse to death, as are most living creatures. The blossom, at least according to the poem, launches itself onto the wind, embraces its end -- or at least, according to the poem, it is less reluctant to die than the horses.

I can see this line would likely benefit from being changed. As Sarah has pointed out, it's also open to being misread insofar as there's as sense in which horses do enjoy launching themselves onto the wind. But though I've tried, I've not yet come up with something better. I've not given up yet though.

Woody,

I did contemplate posting this Met as heterometric; the poem is almost entirely iambic. Thanks for the suggestion of an alternative to "gung ho". There may perhaps be something odd about a Chinese loan-word in a poem with a Japanese word. I hadn't really thought about it's etymology when I wrote the poem.

David,

See my reply to John I on the intention behind "on blight". Useful to know that it also wasn't clear to you. It would be very hard to lose "sakura" from the poem and still have it be the same poem. I guess people differ in the extent to which they'll google a word they don't know, and fair enough. Maybe I'll lose some readers that way, but I can't see a way around that.

Mary
,

Thank-you! There's no much else to say to a critique like that


-Matt
Reply With Quote
  #14  
Unread 06-13-2021, 06:05 PM
John Isbell John Isbell is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: TX
Posts: 5,427
Default

Hi Matt,

And blight sounds intriguing to this pair of ears at least. Regarding blight sounds less so. As you say, at least this reader was thrown by your current formula, unprepared. Glad you found my other remarks useful in the main!

Cheers,
John
Reply With Quote
  #15  
Unread 06-14-2021, 07:26 AM
Matt Q Matt Q is online now
Member
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: England, UK
Posts: 4,111
Default

Minor revision posted, new title and a couple of tweaks.

John, see what you think to the new opening to S1L1.
Reply With Quote
  #16  
Unread 06-14-2021, 08:25 AM
John Isbell John Isbell is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: TX
Posts: 5,427
Default

Hi Matt,

Could you imagine that as a question answered? If so, you might consider italics for it. Otherwise the question mark feels a bit heavy-handed to me. You might play around some. The new title sounds fine to me - waiting blossoming is not much to my taste, though perhaps more Japanese than I give it credit for, but I do like the echo of the line ending blossoms at the opening. In fact, I continue to admire the whole thing.

Cheers,
John

Last edited by John Isbell; 06-14-2021 at 08:28 AM. Reason: Word deleted
Reply With Quote
  #17  
Unread 06-14-2021, 08:36 AM
David Callin David Callin is online now
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Ellan Vannin
Posts: 2,364
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Matt Q View Post
It would be very hard to lose "sakura" from the poem and still have it be the same poem. I guess people differ in the extent to which they'll google a word they don't know, and fair enough. Maybe I'll lose some readers that way, but I can't see a way around that.
Yes, I think that's fair enough. To lose "sakura" would be to lose the heart of the poem. It is a very clever conceit.

Cheers

David
Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump



Forum Right Top
Forum Left Bottom Forum Right Bottom
 
Right Left
Member Login
Forgot password?
Forum LeftForum Right


Forum Statistics:
Forum Members: 8,207
Total Threads: 20,654
Total Posts: 262,232
There are 271 users
currently browsing forums.
Forum LeftForum Right


Forum Sponsor:
Donate & Support Able Muse / Eratosphere
Forum LeftForum Right
Right Right
Right Bottom Left Right Bottom Right

Hosted by ApplauZ Online