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Unread 07-17-2021, 01:01 PM
Sarah-Jane Crowson's Avatar
Sarah-Jane Crowson Sarah-Jane Crowson is offline
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I like the edits. The change to 'domicile' works well.

I tell you what (and I think this is partly why I enjoy this poem) struck me on re-reading is how illustratable this is.

Not just that it tells a story, but that you could weave little things back into the story (like one of Hogarth's images as a print on the walls, and a zooming in to the NYT with a relevant headline).

And you could centre the narrator/poet in an interesting way. Like the 70's animation of Paddington Bear in style, not content, of course.

Or animation. Bit of an aside, sorry Aaron.

Sarah-Jane

(Edited just to say that I am not looking for work. I have enough work and I'd never use this space to hawk my dubious wares anyway. )

Last edited by Sarah-Jane Crowson; 07-17-2021 at 01:15 PM.
  #12  
Unread 07-25-2021, 01:54 PM
Seree Zohar's Avatar
Seree Zohar Seree Zohar is offline
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Oh hey hi Pooch!

No language nits, but can I suggest a positioning change:
Move the ult couplet to above its stanza. Yup, keep the space btwn them:

A mid-life sentence:
dread and repentance.

Few souls have risen
from such a prison.


I think leaving it where it is, is too expectable, and therefore makes it lose a good deal of its punch.
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