Eratosphere Forums - Metrical Poetry, Free Verse, Fiction, Art, Critique, Discussions Able Muse - a review of poetry, prose and art

Forum Left Top

Notices

Reply
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #31  
Unread 11-26-2020, 07:00 PM
Jayne Osborn's Avatar
Jayne Osborn Jayne Osborn is offline
Administrator
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Middle England
Posts: 6,361
Default

Hi Alexandra,

I don't agree with the suggestions to break this up into quatrains, or longer stanzas. It's just fine as it is - in one piece, ... rather like a pane of glass, in fact.

I've also changed my mind about wanting more at the end... I'd now like a bit less!
I think it would be better without Or let fly off stale air no space should save, thus finishing with the stronger couplet:

I never could control the aperture
Of this transparent thing amid the stir
Of wind and hand; it doesn’t easily hold
The warmth I want, or draw the breath I crave,
Or stand against the weather—battened, brave.

I said earlier how much I liked this poem and I still do.

Jayne
Reply With Quote
  #32  
Unread 11-29-2020, 11:07 AM
A. Baez's Avatar
A. Baez A. Baez is offline
Member
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Alexandria, VA, USA
Posts: 83
Default

The conversation around this poem has been as inconclusive as the poem itself!

Andrew, I see your points. And I, too, have always been interested in the "argument" of which you speak; I've always magnetized it by my own minority predilections.

Yves, you are too hilarious with your comments about my nicknames...and I would not throw a fit if you called me "Mama Baez."

Good question about "Waiting for Godot." The last and only time I've experienced the play was in college, some thirty years ago, so I can't confidently speak to your thoughts. However, I suspect that you're right that the play ended on more of a whimper and less of a bang than my poem. If so, I take your point that my departure from the "Godot" prototype may have weakened the poem by scattering its energies.

As to other influences on or references in this poem, that's something I'd have to ponder. As I'd mentioned before, I had had in mind some of Frost's poems in which he uses an everyday situation as a foil to embark on some contemplative, philosophical exploration. Other than that, I didn't have any influences consciously in mind when I wrote the poem, but I'm sure that they were there, welling beneath.

Jayne, I found interesting your parallel to the single-stanza format of this poem to a pane of glass. I'd like to think that it was more instinct than blind habit that led me to "choose" this form, and your observation would seem to support that. However, as with most of the other questions that have arisen in the discussion surrounding this poem, the conflicting opinions of others combined with my own uncertainties have left me, for the moment, without a clear direction forward.

That's also a novel thought about the ending. To me, it seems like the mass of language that has preceded it calls for a bit more of an extended unwinding than just two lines. Right now, a mere couplet sounds jarring to me in its abruptness. But maybe I would get used to the couplet that you suggest, in time? Maybe it has, as you say, an advantage of greater strength?

Last edited by A. Baez; 11-29-2020 at 11:10 AM.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump



Forum Right Top
Forum Left Bottom Forum Right Bottom
 
Right Left
Member Login
Forgot password?
Forum LeftForum Right


Forum Statistics:
Forum Members: 8,131
Total Threads: 20,561
Total Posts: 261,936
There are 172 users
currently browsing forums.
Forum LeftForum Right


Forum Sponsor:
Donate & Support Able Muse / Eratosphere
Forum LeftForum Right
Right Right
Right Bottom Left Right Bottom Right

Hosted by ApplauZ Online